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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi guys,

I wrote this short story for my hubbie and he seemed to enjoy it so I thought I'd share it with you. Let me know what you think about it but be WARNED that you must have a sense of humor to enjoy it. It's simply more of my sarcastic, unrealistic humor.

It's a word document. Can anybody help me so that I can attach it in some way. Apparently, the attachment function won't accept it.

Let me know ASAP.

Thanks in advance
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I can't paste this short story in one post, I'll have to divide it into two because of space constraints. The story goes as follows:


The Ultimate Guide to…


How to Marry a Techie



By: Stacy Simental - Donnell



Introduction


You might ask yourself, why would anyone want to marry a Techie? They smell, they are geeky and most of the time they don’t even speak the god’s given English. If you believe this, you are right. They do smell mostly of cheese puffs and Dr. Pepper but there are more benefits to having a Techie husband than meets the eye. Sure, marrying a millionaire or movie star sounds much more interesting than even looking in the general direction of a Techie but when we date, we must have an accurate picture of who we are and what we are capable of. For example, yeah it would be nice to have a movie star husband with chiseled abs, a face to match and a bank account that rivals, the Pope’s but will he bat a second eye at you?

Below we will discuss the ways in which our perception of ourselves is distorted and why a techie might just, after all, fit the “marriageable man bill.” I know many of you are skeptical but I ask that you keep an open mind. This book is about techies and the benefits of having them around but it is also a book about self-discovery.



What is within my visual budget?


What is a “visual budget? A “visual budget” is a way to measure your attractiveness and what kind of man you can land with, said attribute. Many of us have been, mistakenly, convinced by caring parents with good intentions, that we are the most desirable beings in the world. Although, this statement may be true, it is important to establish the fact for ourselves first. It is the first step in breaking down the walls of a distorted self-image, and a step closer to setting realistic dating goals for yourself.

We start first by taking a good hard look in the mirror. Assess your attributes and flaws. In order for the results of this to be accurate, you must be totally honest with yourself. Make a list of these attributes and flaws, then, out of a total of 500 points (500 is a perfect score), subtract the amounts mentioned in the chart below for each of your flaws.

Crooked Teeth = 50 Non-white teeth = 50 Big nose = 50
Big mouth = 75 Small mouth = 25 Big ears = 75
Double or Triple Chin = 50 Hairiness = 75 Unibrow = 50
Gigantic Breasts = 35* Flat chest = 35 Belly = 95
Big Giant Butt = 50 No Butt = 75 Cellulite = 75
Stretch marks = 45 Chicken Legs = 40 Short legs = 50
Discolored nails = 30 Size 10 & Up = 30 Dark armpits = 45
Pimples = 10/each Big feet = 40 Bunions & foot defects=40

Any defects not mentioned above are worth 200 each. This includes flaccidity, being over or underweight, being shorter than 5’7 and taller than 5’10.

(* Gigantic Breasts are negative if they are so big they are saggy or if they are so fake they look like two pimples about to pop. Always remember that a mouthful is more than enough)

If you scored the perfect 500 you are lying because nobody is perfect. However, if you would like to keep deluding yourself with your flights of fancy, that a movie star will take a look at you, then be my guest and waste away your potential on somebody that will only want you around to be their maid.

If you scored 300-499, you can consider yourself pretty much the cream of the crop but NOT, movie star wife material. If you are in this level, you are barely attractive. This means that you are not ugly or attractive but kind of in between. This is a good place to be, you can most likely have your pick of all the techies that swim in the “Cesspool of love.”

If you scored 100-299, I am sorry to tell you that you barely scrape into “Techie Wife” material. This level is “ok” however; you cannot really have your pick of the techies. In this category, you might need to romance a wedding ring out of these guys with a little alcohol. Do not feel that this is degrading in any way; remember that all is fair in love and hate. Sometimes, the alcohol won’t completely do the trick in those cases, the simple aid of, “I’m pregnant and it’s your baby,” should make any vagueness dissipate.

If you scored 0-99 or have a negative #, you can still jump on the techie bandwagon. However, at this point, you will realistically only be able to get a techie that has in some “off” chance, been rejected by any of the levels above you. However, you must act quick before these confused “tickets to happiness” regain their confidence and try their luck at a higher level again.

Well, now that you have an accurate image of your “visual budget” let’s take a look at all of the different types of techies, and decide which one is right for you.


Techie Categories

A lot of people have difficulty telling the difference from one techie to the next. These people are wrongfully convinced that all techies are the same. This is a myth. Techies, just like garbage bags, come in a variety of colors and sizes. One size certainly does not fit all. This section will help you note subtle differences in techie behavior and wardrobe.

Low-end Techie: This techie is easily picked out by his wardrobe. He has trouble mixing and matching clothes and as a result, you may see him sporting a hot pink shirt with a pistachio green tie. Usually he’ll be on the heavier end or on his way to becoming heavier. Look for breadcrumbs or food stains on his shirt and pants. This techie is usually the one that gets sent to your desk when your computer goes down. He’s barely started his career and most of the time he will tell you to restart your computer in order to fix your problem, no matter what your problem is.

Average Techie: This techie also has trouble mixing and matching wardrobe, however at a lesser scale. This techie has enough sense to try and match his clothing, however he still hasn’t developed a fool-proof color code so from time to time you’ll see him wearing clothes that don’t go well together. This techie also likes to eat but is more careful. You will see no food stains on this techie, for he takes pride in his newly found sense of style. His hair is usually gelled to the point of no return, causing his hair to become a protective helmet. You will often hear this techie talking about the great deal that he got on ebay.

Slightly Above Average Techie: This techie is a dream come true he manages a small group of IT people and he’s a professional. He’s got his mixing and matching down to a science by buying nice designer tailored suits. He tends to be on the chubby side but that is to be expected as no techie can resist candy and snacks. His hair is still heavily sedated with gel. This is the guy that sends both of the other types of techies to your desk to help you when you have a problem with your computer. Many a conversation will reference Star Trek, so do your homework and be prepared.

Excellent Techie: This techie is handsome, wears Italian suits, is 6 foot tall and is very funny and smart. Unfortunately, he does not exist.

Now, that you know all of the different types of techies out there, you can choose according to your visual budget and plan your attack.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
How to Attract your Potential Husband

There are 5 things you must do in order to land a techie husband, no matter what category of techie you are trying to land. You mustn’t falter when it comes to these things; otherwise you are doomed to fail.

1- You must always, have candy on you or at your desk. You must have it anywhere that a techie is near. Start slow at first, bringing in mints and other hard candy. Then work your way up to milk duds and tootsie pops. Also M&Ms and Jolly Ranchers attract many a unsuspecting techie. This point serves two purposes. One, the techie will hang out around your desk a lot more thus encouraging romance. Two, it’ll give him time to associate in the following manner:

Candy = Good
Cindy Always has Candy
Cindy + Candy = Good for Techie

End Result

Cindy = Candy
Techie Like Candy
Therefore, Techie like Cindy

And in this manner love is born.

2- Techies by nature are thrifty. They love to get in on the great deals and when they do get in on the good deals, they share the info with their co-workers or just about anybody that will listen. Most of these purchases take place on e-bay. You must familiarize yourself with e-bay. If you fail to do this, you will fail to land that heartthrob. This will also, give you material to talk about when your techie comes around. You will impress him with your smart purchasing skills and he will feel that you are a kindred spirit. Make sure that you DO get a good deal on e-bay when you start shopping there. A techie has a nose for good deals and if you didn’t get a good deal, you will have lost the sewage duct to happiness. Do your homework and it will pay off dividends.

3- Start watching anime. There is no way of getting around this. It is a necessary evil. Make sure you are up to date on your anime. Go to those weird little anime stores and check them out. Buy a few action figures here and there. Along with a few movies, you’ll be glad you did when you invite your techie love to your home and he sees your movies and action figures.


4- If you don’t have a techie at work to bag, then comic conventions are the place to be. 99% of the crowds at these comic conventions are techies. Out of that amount, 100% of them are single so you can’t miss. It’s a great place to meet techies and a great place for a happy techie first date. As with everything else, do your homework. Know what action figures are being sold and how much these same items are going for online. The Best comic convention to go to is the Comicon in San Diego. This is a must. Millions and millions of techies migrate from near and far to go to this “grand” event. They have tailgate parties in the parking lot. It is HUGE. If you really want to call attention to yourself, dress up like “Sailor Moon” and you will have techies literally eating your pretzel right out of your hand.

5- Last but certainly not least, a must for any would-be techie wife; you must attend Star Trek Conventions. You are no kind of techie wife material if you do not attend one of these conventions. For techies, this is the mother of all conventions. They migrate many a weary mile in order to worship Star Trek actors and actresses. You must learn how to speak Klingon. Nothing impresses a techie more than a woman that speaks many languages. Also, you must know the floor plans of all of the enterprises, should these discussions arise and they will. Know the difference between Captain Kirk and Captain Picard. Pick a favorite and know your reasons why. They will test you on this.

If you follow these five steps, you will be successful in any techie endeavor you engage on.


Why would I go to all of that trouble just for a techie?

You might not know this but techies are an untapped resource for marriage. Did you know that 95% of these gold mines go through life without marrying? It is uncanny that this should happen with how easy they are to keep. Below I will address some misconceptions and unknown facts about techies.

Little Known Facts

Some techies have the potential to clean up nicely. You might not think that, by looking a Joe Blow in the MIS Dept. Many times, all it takes is giving that diamond in the rough, a little help matching suits with shirts and ties. A new haircut and a couple of years in the gym can work miracles. Take, for example, Cleatus Malcovich (below), as he was, he didn’t particularly appeal to even flies but, give him the “treatment” and you can be walking arm in arm with somebody the likes of a movie star, just without the money, fame or personality.


Cleatus Before Cleatus After

Techies are also very handy around the house. Although their area of expertise is within the computer field, they usually have a knack for taking apart other electronics, such as; VCRs, DVD players, Tivo and radios, and not being able to put them back together afterwards. This may sound like a bad thing but it isn’t. Most of the time the item in question will be so ugly that it needs replacing anyway. You’ll never have to worry about having old, outdated electronics around your love nest. However, you do have to look out for the techie trying to be his natural pack rat self. It’s one of their few hidden unwanted talents. If you are not watching closely, pretty soon you will have all of your closets full of computer and other electronics parts. Techies are scavengers and there is not much you can do about this behavior except try to curb it. They keep parts, just in case they need it for the robot they are trying to build in the basement. A simple and stern, “NO!” will more than likely correct the unwanted behavior.
They are easy to keep. As long as you have a steady supply of candy and treats, you need not worry. Be warned that they will consume vast amounts of junk food but luckily, junk food is cheap and a very abundant resource. Remember to keep his favorite treats hidden from him and only pull them out when you need to get him to behave.

A techie will rarely complain. Most of the time, they mumble to themselves as they work and take apart their computers. They are easily amused as you flick on the T.V. to their favorite Star Trek Rerun.

Techies are a good source for income. In today’s economy it might not seem that way but these men are a very important part of a company. With most work being done on computers, techies have become indispensable. This is a big plus for techies as wedding material. However, great care must be taken to watch their spending because if not, all of that well-earned money will be spent on Star Trek collectibles, electronics and more computer parts. A simple way to remedy this is to accompany the techie to any store that carries electronics or any items that might tempt him and before going in, give him a swift smack on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. This will allow him to associate a bad experience with an electronics store and save your budget.

Best of all, when your computer at home breaks down, you always have somebody on staff that can take care of it. More than likely, when you bought your computer, there was a guarantee that read, that if you have any problems with your computer, the manufacturer would send somebody over. That is not always the case. They usually send somebody over ONLY after you’ve spent 3 months on the phone with the help line and ONLY THEN, will they send somebody to your house. Why put up with that? when all you have to do is tell your techie to fix it. It’s as easy as that.


I am sure by now; you are convinced that a techie is right for you. Just remember to follow all of the tips and be patient. You don’t want to spook the techie away when he’s starting to know you. Follow all of these steps and pretty soon, you will be riding on that dump truck to happiness and have forgotten all of your preconceived notions. Now, the keys to marriage bliss are at your fingertips. How much easier can it get?

Good luck,


THE END

Disclaimer: If you are a techie and feel that the above doesn’t apply to you, you are simply in denial. If you feel you have to complain to the author of this book about any claims, keep it to yourself because the author couldn’t care less.

Thank you for your continued support.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Attached you will find a picture of Cleatus before the treatment.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
The picture of Cleatus after.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I am aware that I am going to receive hate mail for this.:eek:
 

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Kira said:
keep it to yourself because the author couldn’t care less.
WOW, I'm impressed you said "couldn't care less"... such proper English. Thank you. You have just regained any points lost from the techie comments. Ya sure you're married? :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I am happily married to a techie that provides me with material. I've written about 5 short stories about him and his friends, so far. I am a little worried that he might try to sue me for likeness rights. :p

Thanks for not chewing me out.:)
 

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Kira said:
I am happily married to a techie that provides me with material. I've written about 5 short stories about him and his friends, so far. I am a little worried that he might try to sue me for likeness rights. :p

Thanks for not chewing me out.:)
I'm glad to hear you're happily married (plus I'm pretty sure I've sound my techie lover).

Yeah, make sure you get some sort of legal protection from him trying to get in on the action. :)

Ah and didn't chew you out, since I don't really fit the 'techie' type. Even college noticed it and kicked me out of Engineering. :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
But you DO fit into the techie category...you're just in denial! Remember, admitting there is a problem is the first step in the healing process. JK

:p ;)
 

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Yep, it's true. But I'm not an IT/compter programmer, etc. That's what I meant. :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Oops, sorry. Didn't know you weren't one. My bad.:D ;)
 

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No problem. I think I won't need counceling for the mental damage this thread has caused me. :)
 

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Wow, you don't like over 5'10"? I'm 6'3".
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
No, this book is meant to encourage the supermodel tall people to go out with techies by lowering their standards. Hopefully, this will have brain washed enough people, that more techies have a chance.

:D ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I keep my men compact. This makes them easier to maneuver away from the electronics sections at most stores. My husband is shorter than I am. I am 1" taller than he is. When I put on my heels, he looks like a midget.:D
 
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