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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK guys- here's a really off topic question:
What do you consider too many people to have had sex with, either for yourself or for a significant other? Does a person's past affect the way you feel abou them, or do you just accept them? I've been thinking about some past relationships lately (ex-girlfriend's birthday last week) and this was something that came to mind which was a problem for us. Chime in, dudes....
 

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I personally feel that it's not who they were, but who they now are. Of course, not to be naïve- I know sometimes the past can be hard to kill- but many, many people who have left the wild life will stay on the straight and narrow at any cost. Folks that want to do the right thing deserve the benefit of the doubt until they give you reason not to, IMO.

So, for me, no amount would be too many if they are now willing to be faithful to me, or I faithful to them. Then again, I'm not a very jealous person, YMMV.

BTW, see Chasing Amy for an interesting perspective on this question. Chris Rock had some good thoughts on it too, I believe on his Roll with the New disc. Key quote: "Why you wanna know how many guys your woman been with? You ain't planting a flag nowhere!! (...) And no manner what she says, it's gonna be too many for you! She could say 'two' and you'd be like, 'TWO?? Two!? Two?!? (sigh) Guess that's how you was raised...' :D

One afterthought: these days, if they've been with a lot of people, some tests may be in order. Not very romantic, but better than dying. :eek:
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
No doubt, man- Chasing Amy speaks volumes- and tests were in order and were done and thank GOD they were negative, since we rarely used protection!
I was the guy who hadn't been with many women- by my choice and how I believe things should be- and she was, shall we say, well versed- and WAS faithful to me, but I couldn't shake her past- more my problem than hers, but live and learn.
 

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jedimaster said:
I was the guy who hadn't been with many women- by my choice and how I believe things should be- and she was, shall we say, well versed- and WAS faithful to me, but I couldn't shake her past- more my problem than hers, but live and learn.
I had to get on this one. Jedimaster LOVES this OT stuff!

I have been with very few women in my life. I was a late bloomer and have only had a few "serious" relationship. My g/f, on the other hand, is older and much more experienced than me, having been with well over a dozen men. She has been faithful to me and while it used to bother me, I can see that she's not the person she once was. We have both had a profound impact on each other's lives and we are getting married soon, after dating for three and a half years.

Jedi, lose the jealousy, nothing kills a good thing faster!

-Jim
 

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PlatinumWRX said:


I had to get on this one. Jedimaster LOVES this OT stuff!

I have been with very few women in my life. I was a late bloomer and have only had a few "serious" relationship. My g/f, on the other hand, is older and much more experienced than me, having been with well over a dozen men. She has been faithful to me and while it used to bother me, I can see that she's not the person she once was. We have both had a profound impact on each other's lives and we are getting married soon, after dating for three and a half years.

Jedi, lose the jealousy, nothing kills a good thing faster!

-Jim
Preach on brother!!

Same for me. One girl in HS, then in college met a woman 10 years older than me. Been with a few men. Changed woman (more grown up) now. We've been married for almost 3 years and have a baby on the way...

Being jealous just isn't worth it. What does it matter how many men or even who she's been with when you're the one she's with now? Besides, there aren't many women out there that have been with less than 5 guys....at least around here the avg. is 5 or more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I see what you mean- how 'bout this:
What if you'd been with the person for a few months or so, had the "how many people you been with" talk, and then were honest with her, but months later she tells you (because she feels guilty about lying) that the number is actually twice what she said it was- the lying comes in, no?
 

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jedimaster said:
I see what you mean- how 'bout this:
What if you'd been with the person for a few months or so, had the "how many people you been with" talk, and then were honest with her, but months later she tells you (because she feels guilty about lying) that the number is actually twice what she said it was- the lying comes in, no?
Good one. I say, look at the intent of the lying. In this case, it sounds like she was lying because she was afraid you'd think less of her, or because she was ashamed of her past. While lying is bad, I'd say this is one of the more honorable reasons to lie. Moreover, she was honest and trusting enough to admit to you, on her own accord, that she lied. To me, this would speak volumes about the good character of this girl. Though, of course, I'd act at least a little bit mad or dissappointed, to prevent sending a message that future lying is okay. Just a little good relationship management, there. ;)

OTOH, if she had given you a number and acted all righteous about her low count, then suddenly backed off of it, say, after you meet an old associate of hers... that might indicate that she was lying to set up a screen for future "extracurricular activities", and just confessed because she was afraid you might hear of it from someone else first. In said case, some deeper probing and closer watching might be in order. It's hard to tell the difference, of course. Talk to your most level-headed buddies, because they may be seeing things clearer than you. BTDT, for sure. Remember Office Space? "I think Anne may be cheating on me..." "Yeah, I get that feeling too, man." "Whaddya mean by that?!?"
 

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She may have not told the truth just so you wouldn't be scared off in the beginning. Now that she has more feelings for you, she wants to be honest. Don't hold it against her for lying. There were several things my wife and I didn't tell each other at first. If she keeps lying, then it is a problem. One lie may have been only to keep you from being jealous or maybe wanting to compare yourself to those other guys in the past.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I have to say that this is the most level headed group of people in a forum I've seen yet- sometimes it's hard to see the big picture from inside the relationship- I appreciate all the advice and thoughts on this one because I was actually thinking of leaving- took the ring back and everything.
 

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At age 19 I decided that more than one was too many for me, and I'm not even a religious person. Wish I had figured that out earlier in life.
What good is it for me to have notches on my belt when it only takes one notch to hold up my britches?
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I'd give up my notches for the chance to have only been with the one I'm going to marry, but you can't change the past- and now I've learned to accept it and Love the person for who they are now and leave it at that- she ain't proud of her past so it's not like she's looking to do me wrong.
 

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My hubbie has a few notches on his belt and when we've talked about these previous relationships, we came to the conclusion that maybe now he would prefer to not have them on his belt but I do believe that if he didn't, he wouldn't be the person I fell in love with. Everybody we hang out with and live with, makes an impact or a small indentation in what we are. Without these, you can't even be sure that you would've turned out to be what you are now. I didn't have any notches on my belt when I met my hubbie(I am not lieing or being hypocritical, just that i never felt comfortable enough with anybody to do it. Guys seemed too ansy to get in the pants than to gain my trust). Besides, when started going out with him I had just turned 18.

Anyway, as an example, My hubbie had this girlfriend for maybe 2 years. They were planning to eventually marry and all of that good stuff. However, he was very jealous and kept seeing things that weren't there. Until one day she caught him spying on her. I guess she didn't catch him doing this just once and finally she dumped him(the story is a little longer than this but I want to get to point). When she dumped him, he was pretty sure that she'd eventually come back, but she never did. It took him a long time to get over her. He told me that up until we'd been going out for like 2 years, he still hadn't gotten over her(and hadn't realized it) but he learned enough from that experience to not make the same mistakes. I can guarantee that if he would still be insecure like that, when I met him, there would've been no way that I would've stayed with him. So in essence, that relationship and everything that came with it, made my hubbie a better man.

I don't think I've ever had a problem with my hubbies past except for his recent past when we started going out because of the "village bicycle" he'd been dating at the time. I showed Her!
In any case, don't knock those notches. The past is the past and it's what formed you. Even if it was a bad past, at least you have something to reference now so that you don't make the same mistakes.:cool:
 

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P.S. Tests for STDs are always a good idea regardless of whether you've slept with 1 person or 100.;)
 
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