[rqjoe]

This is a story of true crime. It is dirty.....rotten.....mighty unclean. If you are not up for some graphic evidence and gruesome description, do not read further. But if you are up for some harsh reality and a little destruction...........

 

[rqjoe]

Chapter 1: The Attack

I was driving to work. It was…….dark. I had just come up to cruising speed (60mph) on the two-lane country highway when it happened. Out of nowhere a brown streak flashed directly in front of the car and then WHAMM! He struck me what sounded like a deadly blow. An instantaneous very loud smack then it was over. Nothing followed. The car did not shudder, lope, rattle, leak any fluids, overheat, blow an airbag……nothing. So I continued to drive and watch the gauges.

When I got to work I slunk out of the door and walked around the front of the car to survey the damage. I moved cautiously fearing the attacker - or part of him - may still be hiding on my bumper or in my grill. He was not. But his criminal deed was now evident. I stared at the carnage and reflected for a moment upon my visual remembrance of the attack. I suspected Odocoileus virginianus….. a small juvenile out-for-blood in the wee morning hours.

I have had 4 such previous attack attempts in the last 15 months since buying the car. None of them were successful. The attackers, all adult Odocoileus virginianus gang bangers, were slow enough and large enough to allow evasive maneuvers on my part, thus avoiding any direct hits…..though they tried. This individual was different – smaller and faster. Like the devil himself this beast appeared in a furious blur, dealt his destructive blow, then disappeared. I was angry. I wanted to eat him. But first I wanted to get home and take some pics.

 

[rqjoe]

Chapter 2: The Evidence

It is what it is. I documented the evidence for posterity, any upcoming legal battle (I intended to pursue the attacker in the courts if i could not eat him,) this book, and insurance filings. I looked behind the plastic as best I could and found no real damage. Plastic is cheap. I was feeling good about the repairs. But then my mind began wandering. It may be even and easier fix than I had envisioned. I needed to return to the scene to look for parts (or pieces.) And I still did not know the identity of the attacker...........though I still thought he was a juvenile Odocoileus virginianus.

 

[rqjoe]

Chapter 3: Return to the Scene of the Crime

On the way home from work I decided to find the crime scene and stop for a look-see. The shock of the attack stunned me for a moment and I did not take precise note of my location at the time. However, having driven the route every day for the past 7 years, I knew the general area within a few hundred feet each way.

I drove slowly once in the area but knew I might have trouble seeing any evidence since it would be on the opposite of the road and most likely in a ditch. Seeing nothing, I turned around to begin tracing my exact route on the same side of the road as the attack occurred. And then I saw it! I saw the attacker! Or at least who I assumed to be the attacker. He was indeed in the ditch.

I stared at him for a while, gave him the finger, then proceeded to check for parts or pieces of the car. If I found any in the area, this would cement my assumption that this was indeed the attacker. Sure enough, the black piece of plastic fog light cover (in the previous pic) lay on the opposite side of the road almost directly across from the body. I had found the perpetrator. He was not Odocoileus virginianus. He was the devil himself!

 

[rqjoe]

Chapter 4: The Perp

Coyote. He deserves no other name (the dirty bastard.) He explains the quickness and my not seeing him before he was a streaking blur directly in front of my car. There is a guy talking about racing a mustang 5.0 Coyote here somewhere. Well, let me tell you fella, there is a reason street racing is not allowed to be discussed. I ran into the real thing here and we both lost. Yeah, I whacked this devil. But not before he delivered a nasty blow to my car. I hate him. But I do not want to eat him. He stinks.

In a last act of defiance before I iced him, he pooped in my car. Who knows? Perhaps the toilet was on the other side of the road and he had to go so bad he did not want to wait for me to go by. This does not answer the question about the chicken but it may answer the one about the coyote. My mind began to wander again. I was thinking about fixing (and cleaning!) my car.

If you have not shed a tear (or hurled) yet, stay tuned. The last chapter may be the saddest!

 

[rqjoe]

Chapter 5: The True Crime

I needed to come to closure on the damage. I need to drive the car almost every day. I am impatient. And I do not care about aesthetics on things I plan to own until they fall apart (my wife may argue a little with this.) A high deductible on the insurance gave me no help financially so I began to ponder the various ways I might resolve the damage myself. I thought of buying a bumper, paying someone to paint it and I thought of buying a bumper and just using it unpainted. Then I hit upon the idea that suits me best. I would simply glue and stitch it myself and leave the scar for all time (or at least until the car rusts out and I sell it for scrap value.) Note that I do have a fog light cover on order with the dealer. But I do not plan to fix it right at all, ever.

So when I stand back and look at it now, my mind races and I sometimes wonder, who has committed the real crime here?

 

[McBill]

:cartman:

 

[TheJ]

Inquiring minds want to know more.






:cartman:

 

[bwilson7990]

This story + your narrative is epic. My condolences for the victim bumper. Sub'd!

 

[mycologist]

We're waiting for the catharsis. Did you eat it??

 

[ProZach626]

There is a guy talking about racing a mustang 5.0 Coyote here somewhere. Well, let me tell you fella, there is a reason street racing is not allowed to be discussed. I ran into the real thing here and we both lost.

At first I was kind of sad about the dead animal. I hate killing things. But the above comment is priceless, especially since I just came from that dumb thread!

 

[McBill]

Bravo on the story telling! I was quite entertained by your misfortune.

 

[Doctor Jeff]

My brother-in-law, well former BIL, hit a deer in Wisconsin a few years ago with our Odyssey minivan. I think the deer actually survived the incident. The bumper did not, though, and it cost ~$2500 to fix (covered by insurance, thank goodness)...

 

[ProZach626]

Damn fine stitching job and it definitely adds... some kind... of character.

 

[mycologist]

Grab some touch up paint for the zip ties to color match them :thumbup:

 

[Goose42]

It could have been worse.

 

[livid_wrx]

HAHA! Revenge is a dish best served cold!

 

[XJman]

Dang coyotes.

I remember years ago a chick I worked with crushed a deer in her geo. Me and a co-worker walked out to take a glance at her car and make sure there wasn't any damage to the radiator or anything else mechanical broken like the hood latch. She wasn't very happy when we brought the meat back in to her that was lodged in the cracks.

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[Wrexic]

awesome storytelling lol. Gonna have to watch out for these attackers, plenty of them around me.

almost happened to me once....driving through the woods, with a car oncoming in the other lane, a deer jumps out at the last second and threads the needle between the two of us with inches to spare.

 

[XJman]

That coyote was also a car attacker

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