Those of you who don't like long and pointless stories, don't read any further. This is a fictional and satirical story, meant for fun. If that doesn't sound fun, move along.
"ALL WHEEL CONTACT"
I thought long and hard to come up with a true test of a built WRX's supremacy...
Obviously no mere automobile would put up a decent fight, we've already established that. It's clear, as stated in previous posts, that even fighter jets are no match. What then? What on earth could possibly carry the same explosive acceleration and relentless speed as a daily driven built motor WRX??? I considered everything, a missile, a bullet, superman?? No, none of these present a challenge worthy of the boxer's majesty. Then, I got it...I knew what I had to do....
At an old, abandoned airfield it was race day, the moment in time when we would all find out if the WRX really was infallible. The moment in history when legend would collide with reality, when fable would meet fact. Conditions seemed ideal, no breeze, perfect visibility, 72 degrees, at sea level. Knowing I would need some help, as this would be a very precise victory if I should achieve it, I called on the support of the National Geographic Channel and the crew from the show "Sport Science".
The crew directed my vehicle to the starting line and I glanced over at my competitor. A man holding a Blue Phire DPSS laser pointer ($999 on phantomdynamics.com). At the finish line a 1/4 mile away was a high speed motion camera recording at 200million frames per second (that's legit, you can google it). I had an additional camera mounted in the car to get a different view. There also stood a white wall on the side of the laser pointer to mark his finish line. The cameras would record who reached the finish first, the boxer motor powered car or a high quality, professional grade laser pointer. We both readied ourselves for the signal to start...
When I got the signal, I did something that I've never done before...I launched. I had heard that doing so in a built WRX would result in instant death, but I was willing to take that chance. I knew I would need everything the rumbly beast had in it to defeat something moving at the speed of light (and don't start talking to me about lasers and vacuums and wave-particle duality, laser light doesn't exceed the speed of light).
So I engaged launch control, hammered the throttle to the floor, lifted the clutch...and it was as if nothing happened...as if time and space ceased to exist. After what seemed like 20 or 30 seconds, I finally noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked over and saw that the laser hadn't even shot out of the pointer. Then I heard the sound....it was like 100 tornadoes, a roaring train, and the bone chilling howl of a warewolf...suddenly, I felt like a tidal wave hit me and threw me into my seat, I felt like I might be pushed through it. The haunting sound I had heard, I now identified as the sound of my engine unleashing its fury. As I sped past the finish line I could clearly see that the laser light was just starting to emerge from the end of the pointer. Before I could celebrate, I felt another burst of pressure pull me further into my already straining seat. I had hit peak boost. I suddenly had an acute sense of everything around me, the smells, the sounds, the feel of the steering wheel in my hands. The colors in and around the car began to blend together until all I could see were streaks of light. My entire body began to tingle and my skin turned hot. This continued for at least 60 seconds, as my foot stayed almost involuntarily stuck to the floor. I blacked out.
My eyes opened slowly, as I tried to take in something, anything, that would give me a clue as to where I was or what happened. After a few seconds, I was able to make out the shapes of 3 people standing around me. I was no longer in my car, in fact, I didn't see the car anywhere. My clothes were torn, and slightly burned, and I had a massive headache. I touched my head as I tried to sit up, but I laid back down when I saw the blood. The 2 men and 1 woman standing over me, who I didn't recognize, looked very concerned. One of the men signaled for the woman to call 911. I blacked out again.
When I came to, I was in the hospital and I heard the doctor say as he was exiting the room, "He's lucky to be alive." I then looked up to see more familiar faces in the room, my wife, her parents, and the crew from Sport Science. They were all acting very strange, but just said over and over that they were glad to see me awake. I had so many questions, but I felt too wiped out to talk about anything. My recovery was fast, and within a couple of weeks I was well enough to finally meet with the crew to review the footage of the race.
Again, the crew was acting very peculiar and no one said anything for a long awkward moment as I entered the video control room. Finally, I asked the show's director, "So, do I get to see the footage?" He hesitantly answered, "Well, yes, but…honestly there's not much to see." "What do you mean?" I hissed. "When we reviewed the footage, we found almost the same thing we saw live…which was your car literally disappearing at the starting signal, and you along with it." the director informed me, sounding uninterested. "We didn't even know where you went until we got the call from your family saying that you had been rushed to a hospital 5 states away, that some farming family had discovered you in their barn." "What about the footage from inside the car? Was there any way to see it?" I was getting frustrated now. "Yes, there was. We were streaming the feed wirelessly from the car to our video station. However, when we watched the footage, all we got was static." I was almost shouting now, "So you mean to tell me that there is no recorded footage of what happened to me?!" The director answered slowly, "I'm afraid not…Brian, what exactly DID happen to you?" So I told him my experience, from beginning to end. I told them that my "journey" was at least 2 minutes long, though it seemed instantaneous to them. The crew assured me that all they were able to record was static, and that the results of the test were inconclusive at best. Frustrated, and utterly confused, I turned to leave. Then, I noticed it…the entire crew was wearing button up shirts with embroidered "Sport Science" logos and I never paid much attention to them other than that…but I just barely caught a glimpse of a very different logo on the undershirt of one crew member. It said "Ford Racing Crew." I knew then that the whole thing had been a set up, and that they weren't telling me the truth. I left peacefully, but I knew I had to get to the bottom of it.
After Brian left the video control room, a quiet conversation ensued.
"Why did you lie to him like that? What harm would it have done to tell him what we really saw?" one crew member whispered to the director. "I didn't lie, all we saw was static…he doesn't need to know all the details. Besides, there's nothing of interest on those recordings. Like I said, just static." the director barked. The crew member paused, then replied, "The fact that it recorded static isn't what interests me…what interests me is that it recorded approximately 2 minutes of it…"